Focused effort.

i want to blog but i dont know what about, ill ponder this and will work it out.

who are you?

This is going to be an deep so stay with me on this one.

Who are you? 

We could go down a deep and long road about self confidence and being true to yourself.

But that's not what this is about.

This is inspired by this blog 

http://jesscleaves.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/everyone-has-their-own-doctor-who.html

Everyone has their own doctor, 

Everyone has relationships that boils down to that person being:

A Savior, 

A Guardian Angel, 

A Nemesis, 

A Brother, 

A Sister, 

A Companion, 

A Guardian or Protector

A Enemy 

A Rival (this doesn't always have negative aspects to the relationship)

A Hero 

A Villain

A Jester 

A Wizard

There are many more i could name. 

Human beings always consider and evaluate these people, care about the people they love hate the people who hurt them. But rarely think. what am i to these people.

I am clumsy, reckless, and caring. This means i take a great deal of time looking after i care about but i have risked myself more times then i care to count, it is not some, I sacrifice myself for my friends, its a ill push my luck. 

one night a few years ago i was riding my motorbike home after a night out at a family friends house, in France. It was dark, foggy and on country roads with high hedgerows. I had been riding my motorcycle for little over a month and it was impossible to see where any junctions were because despite it being a "main road" in rural France? there is no street lights, just my single headlight and the distant brake lights of my parents car in the distance (I was trying to follow them home)

Now I have no reasonable explanation of what happened next, i heard a noise, a shout/scream i don't know what. But the shock of what i heard forced me to slam to a halt. The cold of the night pierced through me for the three seconds of silence followed by the roar of a lorry as it blasted past a junction unseen through the fog mere feet away from me. i was terrified, as i rode the remainder of the way home.

I don't know why that happened. but i can name of people on my left hand who called me in tears because they had nightmares of me being hurt even dead. There was a connection of some sort with them.

I always have no fear when about to do something that could be potential dangerous because till recently, genuinely believed i was made for something bigger, or even to do something great. 

Im not sure anymore. 

I hope to be peoples Doctor, Guardian Angel, Protector, Jester, Companion.

To others,

Im the enemy. Villain.

And i hope one day ill become the hero.

So i ask all these brilliant people who read this, comment. What am i to you? or more importantly.

Who Are You? 

To Others?

The wall...

...of kingdoms.

Actually its the wall of my bedroom, but Wall Of Kingdoms Sounds like much cooler. 

My Wall.

This Wall has many different things on it, the rule is I'm not suppose to spend any money in shops to purchase items that then go directly onto the wall.

This means either i haven paid for the posters myself and bought for me or that they have been free.

I appreciate friends giving me things as a "memento" that represents them or us as a relationship. 

There are a few "loopholes" 

I can buy material to make something to go onto the wall. 

My Paintings For Example

Now the memento's are often triggers that then represent someone or a certain day.

Like A Day At A Gallery

Or A Double Feature With An Old Friend

Other Times its something of importance or significance like a acceptance letter confirming i have passed my first year or university. i also have my first piece of post from living here, some mementos of old dates, places I've been, people I've met.

Other times its just stuff i liked, or from old friends or new friends or just generally STUFF.

The Most Important part of this wall is its me. Who i am and who matters to me, what matters to me. 

Its Me.

who am i?

I'm 20 years old.
Im single.
Im free to do whatever i want.

I've been to three club events in two days.
I've been to a house party
I've administered first aid to two people.

I've be chastised by two people who have no right.

I've got a morning radio show with no co-host.
and i dont know what to do with it.

carry on as you were.

2633.

Im always bewildered by human behaviour.

a girl who doesnt "know" how attractive she is.
a man so convinced with his own skills he refuses help. Despite being unable, or unskilled.
a persons lack of skill in knowing when they are in the wrong.
or when they just dont know where the line is.

I've dealt with all of this in the last 48 hours so i just want to say.

Stop.

Please.

Time for a rant

Now i am just as guilty of this as anyone, we all grow up and from time to time get so wrapped up in our own stuff that all else seems unimportant, i do like to say however i'm one of the first or quickest to realize when i am doing this,and if a friend or family member ask a favour i more often then not drop everything and help where i can, sometimes i only drop somethings and help a little bit because come on i need to do somethings for myself from time to time.

However,

I live in a flat in london with my father.
i have never lived wigth him before and this has been one of the best 12 months to date.
i pay rent in food pizza cinema and videogames.
i have a job working with crappy managers and generally dont enjoy it, to pay my rent.
I attend Uni and all in all pay my own way most of the time in life.

This includes:

Food
clothes
toiletries
hobbies/personal stuff
Day trips, nights out or general socializing with mates

Your 18.
You Live at home
have a job where you work nights
get paid more then me to sit at a desk and wake someone up if there is a problem.
the time you've worked there you had to deal with one problem
a resident wanted a glass water and some toast.
You rely on mummy or BF to pay for your
Food
clothes
toiletries
hobbies/personal stuff
Holidays.
Day trips, nights out or general socializing with mates

You attend uni in September and not even taken out a maintenance loan cause "mummy" is gonna pay the next 3 years for you.

And all i ask is you take 5 minutes out your day to spend £1 to help me out so that i don't have to spend £30 to do it myself.

Grow. Up.
Your 18.
And Little Miss princess shit will get old fast at Uni

Rant// Over//

am i in love with anyone?

short answer no, i have no dying need or desire for anyone in my life, i have loved people previously and have been hurt because of it.


im single and love it.

My dating life: Gracie (iii)

Now i met this girl in a french lesson and plucked up the courage to ask her for her number, i found out she lived in battle and that she would be traveling to our college on a daily basis

I thought that was mental, 6 months later i would be commuting with grace part of her journey daily then carry on my journey for another hour, funny how things work out.

We went on a date, i traveled to Hastings to meet her and having learnt from my previous mistakes actually took her out and we went to see 500 Days Of Summer in the local cinema; those of you who vacant this and http://braceletsandbangles.blogspot.co.uk/ may suddenly have a large key in one of the many riddles that exist.

We snuggled into the seats of the cinema and i think we stole a kiss or two.
the film over and the day still young we went back to her house in battle where i met her father and her sister, and then made my way home quite happy with how things had gone.

now the next few weeks are a distant blur but we missed each other, we both spent the next year as best friends, however i was in and out of relationships, and she had one, a special one.

now i have never openly said this before, but i was in love with her, jealous of guys who hugged her, the girls who spent time with her and above all else i hated pasta boy. 

we both had drama together and our favorite teacher Nicola both "shipped" us and hoped we got together, one girl lucy gabe even tried to get me to ask her out before i left the college once and for all.

due to my mum getting a new job i relocated to Kent and me and grace spent more and more time together as we commuted to college. I had a three hour train journey in the morning to uni and 3 and half in the evening, i spent as much time commuting as i did in my actual college, but i put up with that ridiculous point because i got to see her.

one weekend after we all finished for the year there was a leaving party at my new house in my honor. duirn a night of drinking and relaxing me and grace cuddled up togther on the floor.

it was here i admitted to grace that i was in love with her 

that lead to one of the best weekends of my life.

then a few of the worse months of my life,

if i went back and presented with the same situtation i would do it again.

My Dad told me one evening after that weekend that "You never regret what you did You regret what you didnt do."

and That Old bastard was right

There Is still 5 chapter in this series
ill release one every tuesday

i know i have said this before but...

I LOVE THE GEEK COMMUNITY

three random people met tonight while playing video games so here it is my new favourtie conversation while playing a video game

Dragonknight1223: yeah they added a whole new ton of shit to fight now and
FIREBALL786: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?
flowergirl4: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?
Me: FUCKING RUN.

*all 4 of us hide in a cupboard to escape the monsters*
Me: you reckon its safe to go out there?
Dragonknight1223: nope, it never will be, this is a demonstration of how society has crumbled and we are all forced to hide from democracy, we will now create our own society in this fucking cupboard and live out our lives in here.
...
...
...
...

FIREBALL786: i know were both dudes but as this is a fucking cupboard Pugwash so can we bang?

i love video game geeks.

I love it when...

New people follow my blog i dont know why but i feel slightly all warm a fuzzy inside!


so here's too http://graciel0u.blogspot.co.uk/ !

a new follower who seems to have a cool blog so check it out!

my dating life : Katherine (Vampy) (ii)

My first kiss I was about 12 or 13 and it was with a girl called Katherine.

Now the relationship, after a year and a half after my failed attempt at the dating thing I was still good friends with Ginge and I made my first fundamental mistake, I told this girl, Ginge, that I had a crush on another girl, Katherine, who is Ginge’s friend. It happened while I was getting my science book out of my locker, I had a double science lesson with my favourite teacher and was in a good mood and probably why I was foolish enough to tell a girl such information. I was only aware of my mistake when I removed myself from my locker looked up the corridor and saw the flash of orange as she belted through the door at the end.

Now I’m just stood blankly while Paul leant up against the lockers looked at me and I will never forget his reaction.

He pulled out his stopwatch on his phone and said:

“I give it 20 minutes”

At this point I still didn’t really understand what that meant or what was going on. 

And it only took 12 minutes.

Minute 1

With Paul in tow giving my minute by minute updates on the time I went onto the school field and suddenly everything went into slow-motion.

Minute 3

DB was doing an open legged slide tackle into a goal post in what can truly be described as a painful neutering technique.

Paul was sneezing with a Twix in his hand and was trying to cover has face and resulting in shoving the Twix up his nose.

A short blond kid called Kyle was being taped to a post.

And Ginge was talking to Katherine.

In an average break time these events filled with many different, odd and brilliant things but these where all fundamental in what happened next.

Minute 5

I flat out panicked and tried to run. I turned on my heels my floppy hair in my eyes and ran, straight into Paul, as he is much taller than me I winded him and he keeled over Twix in nose and jabbed my eye with the violent bar of caramel goodness.

Doubling back blinded my feet got caught up in the remaining tape left on the floor after the Kyle hostage taking. And tripped onto the floor.

At which point a shuffling DB covering himself and vision compromised by his tears he fell onto me pinning me and initiating the school ritual of “dog piling”

Minute 10

5 minutes had passed while I relieved myself from the dog pile and got my bearings, Ginge had finished her conversation with the girl I was crushing on and there my crush was walking towards me.

We have talked about that day since and she sheepishly admitted to me that she couldn’t remember me before this point and at this point is when I made my first mind clearing epiphany. I was red eyed, bruised, sweaty, dishevelled, all thanks to the dog pile. And I wasn’t going to get the girl. Why would she even look at me like anything more than the scrawny geek? When this pretty brunette, who later became a beautiful women would ever give me the time of day I wouldn’t know.

So I relaxed. My thoughts calm and I smiled and actually said “Hey! Would you like to go to the cinema?” and she twiddled her bracelets and said clear as day, “sure what time”.

So 14 years old and I had a date. I was so excited I almost saved my friend Kyle if throwing grapes at him wouldn’t have been so much fun. Sat in lessons for the rest of the days I was incredibly happy and I had no idea why, but it was brilliant.

Having learnt my mistakes from my first date, when I leant in for the first kiss I actually managed to without my date needing an eye patch due to my custom built nose-rocket.

3 months passed and we went to the cinema, the beach, met each other’s parents, (an event that is more daunting for older people rather than when you’re 14 or so)

But a small peck for a kiss was all people my age were capable of doing, only those older or in a relationship for a longer time were known for dong more. In schools when it comes to first times for anything we look upon our friends and peers to guide or advise each other.

One girl (Roz) who was Katherine’s friend had been with her boyfriend for the best part of a year, to Katherine she was an advisor as much as a friend, the pioneer of our teens. We all attended one of the girl’s in our year 15th birthday.  While at this party we spoke to Roz and she asked if we had “kissed kissed”, when referring to relationships there is some odd ability to increase the seriousness or intensity of anything from kissing to actually finding someone attractive by repeating a word, “do you like like them?” for example.

I and Katherine were dumbfounded, we hadn’t really discussed it. We were both not exactly very good at talking and this was the longest relationship either of us actually had had; we both left that party a little awkward but with plans to go to town for a day together anyway.

She asked me to meet her on the beach next to a bandstand our town had, we sat on the beach for what felt like an age, both too embarrassed to say anything but suddenly all that awkwardness went anyway and that day in the sun of Eastbourne’s beaches next to its infamous bandstand, I had my first kiss. It was the first time I felt actually good at being in a relationship, and that was one of the best experiences of my life, I’d never felt anything like it.  

She went on to become my first love, and my first broken heart.

My dating life: ginge (i)

Class dismissed.

Ginge.

My first ever genuine date was when I was thirteen years old. I was short, messy-haired and a bit on the chubby side as my body was storing energy for what my mum kept referring too as the well overdue growth spurt. I had recently moved schools and not really had that much luck making friends with boys let alone girls; however, I remember the exact moment when I found myself blushing bright red – similar to the red of the cute freckled girl’s hair that had at that moment plucked up the courage to tell me that she liked me. (i say she did it, she plucked up the courage to ask her best friend to ask me out).  

Now this for all intensive purposes is what was considered “asking out” at this age, the childish concept of asking a neutral third party to complete a task on behalf of the initiating party (in this case, Ginge) granted this is still used now via the use of texting someone to ask them out but for the point of this chapter Elleesha Phillips will be referred to as Samsung as in this story they both have the same role...

If I remember correctly I was stood in line outside my PSHE classroom (which we then called RE) and all three of us were about to go inside. By “three” I mean me, Ginge and Samsung. In the blur of the moment I casually flashed a cheeky smile, saying that I’d meet her at the cinema at four pm for the movie and I’ll get her a lift home, it couldn’t be much later, as I was thirteen and I had a curfew plus my mum would probably drop me off and pick me up in the evening again...

...At least that is what I thought happened; in reality I blushed even more, panicked, screamed “YES!” and bolted into my classroom, tripping over my own two feet before face planting my desk and consequently knocking myself out. Thankfully my best friend heaved me into my seat and asked me “what the hell are you so scared of agreeing to do?”  ginge and her friends on the other  hand were vibrating giggling. I could put this down to two reasons: Ginge was having some form of panic-induced stroke or Samsung was on vibrate.

Three hours later, when I sat down after an “intense” game of football (that was how I spent most of my lunchtimes at this age), my friends actually pointed out to me I now had a girlfriend. This startling revelation caused me to choke so hard on my apple juice that my Pokémon cards fell out of my pocket.

I had a girlfriend. What did that mean? Well from what Tracy Beaker, Fairly Odd Parents, Power Rangers and Kenan and Kel taught me, you go to the cinema together and do this thing called “kissing”.  I discussed this with my two closest friends, DB and Sander. DB had a girlfriend nicknamed Vampy, and Sander had never had one. Thus, the dumb led the blind as we had this conversation.

Me: I have a girlfriend...

DB & Paul: Yes.

Me: What do I do?

DB: Hold her hand, give her hugs, occasionally kiss...

Me: WHAT?! I don’t know how to do that!

Paul: I’m sure it’s OK. Come on, people kiss all the time!

Me: KISS?! STUFF THAT, LETS SORT OUT THIS HUGGING THING FIRST!

Now every young boy goes through this phase, because to them the concepts of hugging and kisses on the cheek are associated with mums, grandmothers and aunts – because let’s face it, they are not considered girls. (Sorry mum) That night I went onto my dad’s computer and began some lengthy research into one point that I wanted to make sure was not going to be an issue for me: Cooties.

Fortunately I found it to be a fake disease, and that you couldn’t catch any disease from having a girlfriend. I would like to take this opportunity to thank my dad for enabling the safety settings on the family computer. Thirteen year-old me would have definitely jumped off a bridge if my research had yielded results explaining STI’s.   

We were having one of those great first dates you can only have when it’s not an actual date

The dating game for 12/13 years olds starts in the same way for any age group, the causal date in an easy going activity to gauge the other person and decide if they are actually worth the time money or affection to pursue a relationship. That’s why the first date has 5 key stages to it

1) The event or the activity

2) First Impression

3) Finances

4) Behaviour on the Date

5) Saying goodnight.

After briefly explaining each section I’ll then explain in italics what exactly I did on this first date

Starting out it is sensible to decide what to do for the first date, more often than not it is recommended to have a causal date, something nice enjoyable but nothing too intimate if nerves get the better of you double dating with another existing couple can really lighten the room and take pressure of the “first date” (a technique I used to help out with some of my more anxious friends when they had dates coming up.) something like a trip to the arcade, the cinema (possibly even coffee if you already have sufficient to talk to about to the other person) if choosing the cinema double dates still work and the film of choice should chosen entirely on both interesting for both you and this other person and sorry guys if you’re really unhappy bite the bullet and go see the star filled room com or the tear-jerking death film of love, just see something that both of you would enjoy.

On my first date I was too scared to go on my own and DB kindly volunteered to come on a double date with us, however his girlfriend invited her best friend and she invited the rest of that girl group of friends and before long. The double date of four, expanded to a still causal but slightly less intimate number of 24. We filled up two rows of cinema seats. The only film everyone could agree to go and see was X-men The Last Stand and it was pretty poor.

The first impression of screaming yes extremely loudly, running away, tripping and finally face-planting into my desk wasn’t exactly unpleasant but by all means was pretty sure it was bad. And that Ginge remembered it. The way you look and dress on the first date isn’t a big deal on the long run and it is necessary to dress according to your own style and how you appeared to be when you asked out your date, don’t turn up as some skater grudger if you normally wear polo shirts and vice versa, BE YOURSELF AND DONT TRY TO HARD

 I tried too hard.

 I was a geeky teen, quite awkward and at best dressing up for me was a t shirt and jeans (most probably bought by my mum) and it might have some cartoon character, videogame character or a potential funny quote. This evening I had chosen to wear a silk shirt (I think I bought it specially) and used quite a great deal of hair gel.

I’m actually not telling the truth. To save money to able to pay for me and Ginge, I rode my mountain bike there, and as I had a curfew, I hadn’t got time to go home and change. Thus meaning I arrived breathless with my school uniform clung to my sweat drenched weedy nerd body. My vision was compromised and i can safely say i think she looked stunning.

Finances

Keeping it short it’s much cooler to pay for both of you.

I did. Bonus Point for me.

 Sweet.

4) Behaviour on the Date

Now me and Ginge and the now 23 people all piled into the cinema to enjoy what should be considered a romantic comedy it is important to choose to see a film that is appropriate to the relationship and the atmosphere of the date. We saw X-men. Watching the film it is nice and sensible to be romantic, hold hands, be smooth and be calm. I did two out of three, and I’m not smooth or calm even now.  About midway through the film I turned to stare into her eyes and told her that her eyes were as deep and brown as an autumn forest. Over the sounds of wolverine killing other mutants my chat up line came across along the muffled lines of “mammy forest mmm”  I calmly lent over in order to kiss her, both of us held our breath as we began to lean closer, our eyes locked as we both held our breath getting closer and closer our hearts racing and not being able to hold ourselves anymore we both went to kiss at the same time.

And I poked her in the eye.

In theory everything was perfect except for the fact that I was about an inch to high up, and a little to the left I kissed her cheek and my nose missile hit her squarely in the eye.  As reading this  will tell you I’m not some guru in dating or how to behave around girls but I am pretty sure that a girl crying involuntary from one eye because you stabbed it with your nose isn’t very good.  Needless to say that was our only “date” after which she dumped me as she didn’t feel it was working.

i renamed my blog,

just because i could.

i also wouldnt mind someone reading my chapters (i post them on here occasionally) and help my improve them. 

THANKS.

lighthearted : the dinner party

Back in the Wards Flint was staring into Kyte’s room, his tongue clicking against the roof of his mouth, “Dakota?” he said without removing his gaze from the corpse of the girl who lay in the bed merely feet away, “can you contact Olivia I want her opinion on how to proceed, next can you call upon the healers, see if they have anyone willing to attempt to take on this case.” He smirked as he could hear frantic scrambling and crashes as Dakota struggled to find a pen and something to write into. “We are going to also need some researchers, the way in which we heal this girl is going to have to be different, almost radical and finally let Bee know we are going to have guests for dinner”.

**********

Dakota was sat at one of the three desks that had materialised in the room adjacent to where Kyte slept, she had no knowledge of where these desks had come from but as she had returned from the assembly she found then placed within the room, one was stacked high with tomes full of all information of all types, one desk was covered in odd and unusual equipment she could only assume was used in complex techniques. The final desk was clear except for a single blank piece of parchment. it was about the size of a A4 notebook but in the top right corner was emblazed a golden symbol of angelic wings that arched into a complete circle, this was transcript parchment. Angels used this paper to write letters or notes to one another and once they had finished their note, they  pressed their palm against the golden symbol and it was almost instantly delivered to the address that they had marked. This took such little power to do that it quickly became the most used form of communication amongst the angels. The high elders and some military personnel were created mobile tablets to carry on them at all times, allowing messages to be sent while on their travels. Receiving one of these tablets was considered an incredible honour.

She wrote quickly and formally in the cases of the researchers and medical angels she had no real idea who they were going to and with the conflict concerned with this case it would probably be sent to some lowly barely trained worker. With the message to Olivia it would have been almost offensive to talk to her as candidly, as she was her master’s former master.

Whoever was going to take on this girl was going to have to be brilliant and a fool. 

So um, do you ever date cute idiots?

There are very few video games, films, tv shows that i relate to character.

but there is one.

Ted Mosby, the architect, the hopeless romantic, buffoon, love drunk fool, goofball, metrosexual completely unsmooth and like a puppy, cute to look at but shouldnt be left alone with supervision.



im not complaining, i watch each episdoe and love ted and his anticsa as i often see them as my own.


me and bex stil shout this at each other


there is nothing wrong with me i know that.

so why dont i text that number?















The great moments of your life won’t necessarily be the things you do. They’ll also be the things that happen to you. Now, I’m not saying you can’t take action to affect the outcome of your life. You have to take action. And you will! But never forget, that on any day, you could step out the front door, and your whole life could change forever. You see the Universe has a plan kids; and that plan is always in motion. A butterfly flaps it’s wings, and it starts to rain. It’s a scary thought, but it’s also kind of wonderful. All these little parts of the machine constantly working… Making sure that you end up exactly where you’re supposed to be.. exactly when you’re supposed to be there. The right place. At the right time.--Ted Mosby

Well what a wonderful worrrrrrrrld

Now I know I do this blog about my friends thing more then I should but I want to do it again. 

Last night I went to a cracking gig or my friend Emily's band down but homeward bound, they are are a metal band with pop punk lyrics, they remind me a great deal of a day to remember meets paramore. 

I met Emily 8 years ago and haven seen her in 4 I met her girlfriend of a1 year for the first time and we just ,Ickes about made jokes and hugged as we left at the end of the night and it was just like being back at primary all over again. 

I can't wait to go back to uni to see everyone ANSI can't wait for tommorrow where I'll be visiting TWO of my oldest friends.

I love you all. And it makes me happy.

thats a full house.

My uncle got married this gone weekend and i had a great time but i did discover maddie (my sister) couldn't drink shots very well.  

he was the last of 4 siblings to get married and he is my preferred uncle because his sense of humor matches mine, and hes a fake doctor.

ill post a video soon.

till then enjoy this photo of me looking unimpressed

and myself my sister and my dad doing a shot of Greek spirits 

And some dude in a poiple shirt

what should i blog more of?

me?

my views?

geeky stuff?

my stories?

hmm time will tell.

or tweet me @CaptainBPugwash

things i often say.

Im still Pugwash, followed by a cheeky smile. 

when i see someone i havent seen for a little while i often say hey im still Ben/pugwash/benji/puggy any variation of my name. but why do i do that?

im goofy

im cheeky 

i say stupid things 

i know i say stupid things while saying them and then back pedal

i love my family 

i work hard

i care about a lot of people 

i belivbe in doing the stupid thing for the right thing 

my moral code is key to my life.

and i am stupid. and will always do the right thing. despite how much it will hurt.

but whats different? 

im bigger (height and shoulders are much bigger)

more scars (i wish to say that its all deep and meaningful metaphoric but i have cut my head open a couple times.

I write very good erotica 

i host a radio show 

i say stupid things

im more open about sex and having fun 

i remembered im 20 years old and doing what makes me happy more regularly.

i likein london. 

OH Im still a geek.